"walk by faith" by jeremy camp...
"well i will walk by faith, even when i cannot see. well because this broken road prepares Your will for me."
i heard this song this morning as i pulled into my parking spot and it just spoke to me. i wasn't sure why at the time, had no idea what the day would hold, had no idea the people i would meet. there was no way to know the things i would witness, nor the words i would hear...
sometimes you meet people and your life is forever changed. today was one of those days.
wil and susan lala. just names. nothing more...initially. their story is special to say the least - a tragic plane crash 20 years ago...killed susan's father and almost killed wil. he wasn't expected to live, but within this man lies a spirit like none i've ever seen. after numerous surgeries and months of rehab, he proved everyone wrong. susan and their then college-age daughter sat tirelessly by his side, cared for and loved by the same staff who had taken to wil like he was nothing less than family. a dentist by trade, he and susan had created a life in belize where they ran a small hotel. after his accident, they returned to belize where fishing was his passion. while offering dental care to those on their island, wil discovered a talent for creating beautiful tapestries out of aluminum cans and today he donated one of those tapestries, called "first love" to liberty hospital in honor of the people and place he credits for saving his life.
his story isn't what got me. it's touching and beautiful, but it was the life in his words...the amount of genuine love, gratitude and grace he displays no matter who he's talking to. there is more life in this one man than i've seen in anyone. i was truly humbled in his presence, reminded of all the good surrounding me. within moments of meeting them, i felt as if i'd known them my entire life and longed to visit with them extensively to somehow take in even a little of the joy they radiated.
there are people who just know how to live. as i watched wil today...with the doctors, nurses and numerous staff who had cared for him over 20 years ago...i witnessed so much more than what my eyes could take in. wil lost the vision in one eye and his hearing is impaired, but you would never know it. he and susan said repeatedly that there were so many miracles, so many blessings that brought them to this moment...that gave them the past 20 years.
we are shaped by everything that happens to us...molded and polished to be His hands, His words. the path before us is often one we cannot see, a seemingly broken road that we must walk by faith to prepare us for so much more.
that was what i saw in them today...two people who faced a terrible situation, who could have become bitter or angry at what they lost but did just the opposite. they are walking through this life together, a living testimony to what genuine love and grace can do. i left them inspired and renewed, excited about nothing in particular but simply about the possibilities this life holds. i want to be better, to live better...to stop taking precious moments for granted, to be fully present to those who matter and let go of the insecurities and demons that do nothing but make me less of a person.
i know everything in my past, everything I'm living now, is preparing me for something greater. that man likely will never know the impact he had on me today, but that's okay. this is exactly what i mean when i say we meet the people we're supposed to meet when we're supposed to meet them....it's just an amazing feeling when you can actually recognize it when it happens. more often, i don't realize it until much later, after the moment has passed. it's a God thing, i'm sure of it.
so, walk by faith and see where the road leads you. be open to the life in front of you and the people within it. you never know where you will be inspired or where you will make a difference.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
5.8.2013...
what does it take to be completely honest with ourselves? it's one thing to be honest with others, with people we trust, with complete strangers...with the world. but, from my perspective anyway, more difficult to be completely honest with ourselves. we sugarcoat actions, justifying choices (ours and those of the people around us) to make us feel better about a situation, a person, an event. why? to protect us, to protect them? from whom? are we afraid of what we'll discover in our honesty? i think that's the answer...fear of what we'll find, fear of seeing things as they really are rather than how we want to see them.
it's easier to see things as we want to see them. we can hide from the ugliness of life, ignoring the reality of where we really stand, allowing us to blindly enjoy something or someone just a little bit longer while putting off the inevitable. i'm not brave. i hate confrontation, hate making uncomfortable decisions and changes. but, sometimes i find myself overwhelmed with anxiety when thinking about situations in my life...anxiety that i'm fairly certain i could eliminate if i allowed myself to be completely honest and stopped seeing things as i want to see them, stopped putting off making the tough decisions and do something about them.
what's that old saying? something about how you can't expect different results if you keep doing the same things? i realize this applies to all sorts of things, but for those of us who aren't so good (insert the word "hate") with change, it's easier (less painful, or so we think) to just let things stay the same rather than face the issue head-on and do something about it.
i'm not sure what the answer is...nor do i think it's as simple as just making the decision to make a change; any change. rather, i think maybe it takes looking at your life for what it is and comparing it with what you want it to be. time is short, each moment precious. don't waste the words or thoughts God puts on your heart. be completely honest with others, but more importantly with yourself and see where that leads you...
it's easier to see things as we want to see them. we can hide from the ugliness of life, ignoring the reality of where we really stand, allowing us to blindly enjoy something or someone just a little bit longer while putting off the inevitable. i'm not brave. i hate confrontation, hate making uncomfortable decisions and changes. but, sometimes i find myself overwhelmed with anxiety when thinking about situations in my life...anxiety that i'm fairly certain i could eliminate if i allowed myself to be completely honest and stopped seeing things as i want to see them, stopped putting off making the tough decisions and do something about them.
what's that old saying? something about how you can't expect different results if you keep doing the same things? i realize this applies to all sorts of things, but for those of us who aren't so good (insert the word "hate") with change, it's easier (less painful, or so we think) to just let things stay the same rather than face the issue head-on and do something about it.
i'm not sure what the answer is...nor do i think it's as simple as just making the decision to make a change; any change. rather, i think maybe it takes looking at your life for what it is and comparing it with what you want it to be. time is short, each moment precious. don't waste the words or thoughts God puts on your heart. be completely honest with others, but more importantly with yourself and see where that leads you...
Saturday, May 4, 2013
5.4.2013...
thursday morning i got out of the shower and looked in the mirror...hair wet, no make-up...and saw 17 year old me in my reflection. full of promise and innocence; the eyes that looked back at me weren't drained, the lines not so pronounced...and, for a brief moment, i remembered exactly who i was, everything i wanted, at that point in my life. then, somehow, as i dried my hair and put on my make-up, that 17 year old disappeared and was replaced with 35 year old me...promise and innocence replaced with disappointment and worry, the reality of my life - the one i've created - evident in the lines around the less than bright green eyes staring back at me. and i didn't like what i saw.
i realized the other day that i've made very few changes in my life over the past year and a half. the new job being the only real change. otherwise, i've pretty much sat still in my little life...mostly because i'm afraid of creating a problem i can't handle or upsetting the fragile balance i've worked hard to create. or, so i thought. then, i started thinking about things and the truth is, i have little balance - only some very restrained self-control that has gotten me nowhere. i haven't grown much as a person. i haven't traveled at all. i'm hardly going to church. i'm not dating anyone. i haven't been exercising. i have made no plans, given myself nothing to look forward to...and all of a sudden i felt clausterphobic in my own life. i felt small and insignificant, like it wouldn't matter if i was here or not - no, not depressed or suicidal or anything like that - just that my existence is merely that...that i'm just here, not really living...and all of a sudden i felt the overwhelming need to find balance, to make plans, to give myself SOMETHING to look forward to.
for months, years maybe, but months from what i can clearly remember, i have felt a consistent tug to do something very different with my life. while marketing/communications is my job, it is not my passion and while i am beyond thankful for my job and do not regret the change i made; it fills a need in my life - a paycheck - but not a desire.
on tuesday night, while on a bit of a road trip with a dear friend and his son, that very subject came up. i've spent a lot of time with them, yet we've never talked about this before, but on a long stretch of highway as my friend rested, his 17 year old son said this to me..."i think you should be a counselor. for high school kids. you would fit in at our school, they are all really great people and you would be really good there. kids would talk to you." and as i sat in that backseat i almost cried. he doesn't know my heart, has no idea all the things i'm thinking about...but this 17 year old kid saw the exact thing in my that has been pulling at my heart and put it into words - gave it life, made me feel, for the first time, that what i've been thinking/feeling could be a possibility.
thursday afternoon i got an email from a good friend who won a trip to turkey while at a conference last week and she's asked me to join her. we are waiting on the details before making a final decision, but if it's as good of a deal as it initially appears, i'm in! it's possible that for nine days in november i could be putting another stamp in my little passport, seeing beautiful historic places, eating new foods, meeting unique people...and i'm pretty excited! i have been itching to get away, to travel and see something new. i look at discount travel sites often and spend more time daydreaming about laying on a white sandy beach than i should probably admit. while the turkey trip may not pan out, i've decided that no matter what, i will make plans to go somewhere this year and just making that decision gives me something fun to think about.
i don't make decisions well. food courts are an excellent example...they overwhelm me. i would rather (and, it's safe to say this simple fact alone says a lot about me as a person) someone just tell me what to do, what to eat, where to go, etc. i have never liked making decisions...as evident in my previous paragraphs. this also mirrors my dislike for change - even good change. i think i believe that if i don't make a decision - don't allow change - i am better able to control things in my life, giving less room for something bad to happen...and, in turn, less room for something good to happen. and, yes, i realize as i type these words how crazy this all sounds. but, as my friend lezley said earlier this week, sometimes we just have to make a decision...a change...because sometimes making a wrong one is better than making none at all. true. scary, but true. *sigh*
that said, i'm playing kick ball. yes, kick ball. me. one of the last ones to be picked when we played as kids in gym class. me. the least athletic person i likely know. and, funny enough, i'm loving it! i'm not as terrible as i thought i would be. i'm not great, but i'm not terrible. in fact, i scored last week and while i can't catch a ball to save my life, that little contribution (although we still lost) made me feel pretty darn good. so, yes, this is one thing outside of my comfort zone. and i'm really glad i'm doing it. fingers crossed i can actually get under a fly ball and not drop it just once before the season ends.
i realized the other day that i've made very few changes in my life over the past year and a half. the new job being the only real change. otherwise, i've pretty much sat still in my little life...mostly because i'm afraid of creating a problem i can't handle or upsetting the fragile balance i've worked hard to create. or, so i thought. then, i started thinking about things and the truth is, i have little balance - only some very restrained self-control that has gotten me nowhere. i haven't grown much as a person. i haven't traveled at all. i'm hardly going to church. i'm not dating anyone. i haven't been exercising. i have made no plans, given myself nothing to look forward to...and all of a sudden i felt clausterphobic in my own life. i felt small and insignificant, like it wouldn't matter if i was here or not - no, not depressed or suicidal or anything like that - just that my existence is merely that...that i'm just here, not really living...and all of a sudden i felt the overwhelming need to find balance, to make plans, to give myself SOMETHING to look forward to.
for months, years maybe, but months from what i can clearly remember, i have felt a consistent tug to do something very different with my life. while marketing/communications is my job, it is not my passion and while i am beyond thankful for my job and do not regret the change i made; it fills a need in my life - a paycheck - but not a desire.
on tuesday night, while on a bit of a road trip with a dear friend and his son, that very subject came up. i've spent a lot of time with them, yet we've never talked about this before, but on a long stretch of highway as my friend rested, his 17 year old son said this to me..."i think you should be a counselor. for high school kids. you would fit in at our school, they are all really great people and you would be really good there. kids would talk to you." and as i sat in that backseat i almost cried. he doesn't know my heart, has no idea all the things i'm thinking about...but this 17 year old kid saw the exact thing in my that has been pulling at my heart and put it into words - gave it life, made me feel, for the first time, that what i've been thinking/feeling could be a possibility.
thursday afternoon i got an email from a good friend who won a trip to turkey while at a conference last week and she's asked me to join her. we are waiting on the details before making a final decision, but if it's as good of a deal as it initially appears, i'm in! it's possible that for nine days in november i could be putting another stamp in my little passport, seeing beautiful historic places, eating new foods, meeting unique people...and i'm pretty excited! i have been itching to get away, to travel and see something new. i look at discount travel sites often and spend more time daydreaming about laying on a white sandy beach than i should probably admit. while the turkey trip may not pan out, i've decided that no matter what, i will make plans to go somewhere this year and just making that decision gives me something fun to think about.
i don't make decisions well. food courts are an excellent example...they overwhelm me. i would rather (and, it's safe to say this simple fact alone says a lot about me as a person) someone just tell me what to do, what to eat, where to go, etc. i have never liked making decisions...as evident in my previous paragraphs. this also mirrors my dislike for change - even good change. i think i believe that if i don't make a decision - don't allow change - i am better able to control things in my life, giving less room for something bad to happen...and, in turn, less room for something good to happen. and, yes, i realize as i type these words how crazy this all sounds. but, as my friend lezley said earlier this week, sometimes we just have to make a decision...a change...because sometimes making a wrong one is better than making none at all. true. scary, but true. *sigh*
that said, i'm playing kick ball. yes, kick ball. me. one of the last ones to be picked when we played as kids in gym class. me. the least athletic person i likely know. and, funny enough, i'm loving it! i'm not as terrible as i thought i would be. i'm not great, but i'm not terrible. in fact, i scored last week and while i can't catch a ball to save my life, that little contribution (although we still lost) made me feel pretty darn good. so, yes, this is one thing outside of my comfort zone. and i'm really glad i'm doing it. fingers crossed i can actually get under a fly ball and not drop it just once before the season ends.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
4.16.2013...
there are so many things beyond my comprehension. the senseless actions of others meant to do nothing but cause harm, fear and pain to complete strangers...innocent people caught off-guard...a tiny soul the same age as m taken by the hands of someone with malicious intent and a heart full of hate. yes, these are my assumptions...harsh opinions from a mom who has a hard time finding the words to explain the magnitude of events that continue to unfold in seemingly innocent situations to a daughter who thankfully hasn't grasped the full extent of fear intended by the monsters hiding behind the term "terrorist". i seek to find the right explanations, grapple with understanding these horrific events enough myself in order to answer the many questions that come from her. i read these words from the infamous mr. rogers several times on facebook last night:
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ― Fred Rogers
i've read them many times in the past, but this time i think i REALLY read them for the first time...really heard the meaning, the depth behind them. ..."look for the helpers" - even when things are scary, even when things are hard...there are ALWAYS people who are helping. that simple fact brings me peace. and...the desire to be one of those people...a helper.
seek first goodness and mercy...reach out to those who have needs greater than yours...look for beauty no matter the circumstances...and love without boundaries or reservation...
Friday, April 12, 2013
ghosts of boyfriends past...
the last two nights i have been visited in my dreams by the ghosts of boyfriends past. let me back up, or at least preface this with the fact i rarely dream...i mean, hardly ever...so, for me to have dreams i remember not just one night, but two nights in a row is basically unheard of. okay, back to the story...
on wednesday night i have no idea where i was in my my dream...some random place, and i've decided that doesn't matter. but, in my dream, the ex-amazing boyfriend (honestly, he is far from amazing, but since that was how i had referred to him in the past i'm using that term for relevance) showed up wherever i was and approached me. i appeared uninterested, totally distracted and seemed to do my best to walk away. he followed me and kept trying to talk to me...saying things like he had heard about my new job and had seen my writing and that he was really proud of me and excited for me. i simply said thank you and congratulated him on his marriage...something he totally blew off and showed no interest in discussing. all the while i was moving from place to place, seeming to want nothing to do with him even though he was trying very hard to get my attention and compliment me. i wish i could say there was some big ending, but as is the case with most dreams, it just ended and i woke up. i didn't think too much of it, only that it was weird i had the dream in the first place.
then, on thursday night, i was visited by a guy i had dated for a while last year...never were the boyfriend/girlfriend labels used between us, but for the purpose of this we'll call him that. this dream was very similar...vague, unknown location without anyone else around...he appeared from out of nowhere and approached me saying the same sorts of things. again i blew him off, again i showed no interest, no emotion. again the only real thing i remember saying was a congratulations on his engagement that he disregarded. and, again, it simply ended.
i woke up and literally almost laughed out of the sheer coincidence of it all. i mean, how does that happen? what does it mean? why on earth did i have those dreams? i've thought i was long over both of them, but after telling this story to a couple people, their response was unanimously that i must feel i'm in a really good place and that i'm fully over them and know i'm better off. i agree with that completely for more reasons than what happened in my dreams, but i guess it's good to have a little affirmation. i am happy with where i'm at...there are things i want of course, situations i wish were different, emotions i can't fully express sometimes...but, overall, i'm really good. and, after looking back to this time two years ago, i can easily see just how good i am...and, even better, how much better off i am.
now i'm just wondering who will be ghost number three...
on wednesday night i have no idea where i was in my my dream...some random place, and i've decided that doesn't matter. but, in my dream, the ex-amazing boyfriend (honestly, he is far from amazing, but since that was how i had referred to him in the past i'm using that term for relevance) showed up wherever i was and approached me. i appeared uninterested, totally distracted and seemed to do my best to walk away. he followed me and kept trying to talk to me...saying things like he had heard about my new job and had seen my writing and that he was really proud of me and excited for me. i simply said thank you and congratulated him on his marriage...something he totally blew off and showed no interest in discussing. all the while i was moving from place to place, seeming to want nothing to do with him even though he was trying very hard to get my attention and compliment me. i wish i could say there was some big ending, but as is the case with most dreams, it just ended and i woke up. i didn't think too much of it, only that it was weird i had the dream in the first place.
then, on thursday night, i was visited by a guy i had dated for a while last year...never were the boyfriend/girlfriend labels used between us, but for the purpose of this we'll call him that. this dream was very similar...vague, unknown location without anyone else around...he appeared from out of nowhere and approached me saying the same sorts of things. again i blew him off, again i showed no interest, no emotion. again the only real thing i remember saying was a congratulations on his engagement that he disregarded. and, again, it simply ended.
i woke up and literally almost laughed out of the sheer coincidence of it all. i mean, how does that happen? what does it mean? why on earth did i have those dreams? i've thought i was long over both of them, but after telling this story to a couple people, their response was unanimously that i must feel i'm in a really good place and that i'm fully over them and know i'm better off. i agree with that completely for more reasons than what happened in my dreams, but i guess it's good to have a little affirmation. i am happy with where i'm at...there are things i want of course, situations i wish were different, emotions i can't fully express sometimes...but, overall, i'm really good. and, after looking back to this time two years ago, i can easily see just how good i am...and, even better, how much better off i am.
now i'm just wondering who will be ghost number three...
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I am so excited!!!
i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am about this! i was asked by my dear friend, kaylen, to be the FIRST guest blogger on her site The Penny Project!!! i am humbled and honored to be asked (this is also MY first time as a guest blogger!!!)...The Penny Project is an incredible concept designed by kaylen to help raise money - small change makes a big difference - and awareness for those who need it most. please visit her site and if your heart is called, do what you can for those she is serving.
you can read my post here.
you can read my post here.
Monday, April 8, 2013
4.8.2013...
when do we stop believing in wishes? in magic? in miracles? is it around the same time we discover it's embarrassing to cry in front of others so we force ourselves to hold everything in, stifling our cries so no one will hear us and think we're weak? maybe it happens when our trust in the things unseen is tested and we become a bit hardened and cautious; looking for proof to either back our understanding or undermine that of someone or something we would rather not. regardless, it happens...to us all.
i have one wish right now. just one. and it's for something i can't have, yet want more than anything. i would give almost anything to make it happen, but there is nothing i could give that would make a difference...
she climbed the three flights of stairs to my apartment and i didn't even have to look at her to know the affect that climb had on her...the stillness in her pause, the deep breaths she didn't even bother trying to hide...and i knew things were different this time. something new is wrong with her heart and, for the first time, she is afraid.
she is my younger sister yet she has always been larger than life to me in many ways. with her beside me there was nothing i couldn't do. my fears were always matched with her bravery. so, to see the fear in her eyes...to hear it in her voice, breaks me in ways i can't really put into words. there are two amazing children who call her mommy...two beautiful little people who deserve to know her without the exhaustion, without the pain, without the worry of what if. in 34 years she has touched so many people...explosive and passionate, she gives all of herself to anything and anyone she cares about. her eyes hide more than most know, a lifetime of being different weighed down by the constant effort to be the same. yet...nothing about her is...has ever been...the same...typical...normal. and that's part of what makes her so special. it's part of who she is, part of her gift...and it has given her the ability to love freely and without measure, judging no one and openly accepting everyone she meets.
i wish for a new heart...i would give her mine if i could. maybe that's too much to wish for, but right now i would use every birthday candle...every heads-up penny...every necklace clasp turned around the wrong way...every good fortune...every falling star...every four-leaf clover...every wishbone...every puffy dandelion...just to increase the chances of it coming true. so, right now i'm choosing to believe in wishes...choosing to believe in magic...and maybe most of all, choosing to believe in miracles.
i have one wish right now. just one. and it's for something i can't have, yet want more than anything. i would give almost anything to make it happen, but there is nothing i could give that would make a difference...
she climbed the three flights of stairs to my apartment and i didn't even have to look at her to know the affect that climb had on her...the stillness in her pause, the deep breaths she didn't even bother trying to hide...and i knew things were different this time. something new is wrong with her heart and, for the first time, she is afraid.
she is my younger sister yet she has always been larger than life to me in many ways. with her beside me there was nothing i couldn't do. my fears were always matched with her bravery. so, to see the fear in her eyes...to hear it in her voice, breaks me in ways i can't really put into words. there are two amazing children who call her mommy...two beautiful little people who deserve to know her without the exhaustion, without the pain, without the worry of what if. in 34 years she has touched so many people...explosive and passionate, she gives all of herself to anything and anyone she cares about. her eyes hide more than most know, a lifetime of being different weighed down by the constant effort to be the same. yet...nothing about her is...has ever been...the same...typical...normal. and that's part of what makes her so special. it's part of who she is, part of her gift...and it has given her the ability to love freely and without measure, judging no one and openly accepting everyone she meets.
i wish for a new heart...i would give her mine if i could. maybe that's too much to wish for, but right now i would use every birthday candle...every heads-up penny...every necklace clasp turned around the wrong way...every good fortune...every falling star...every four-leaf clover...every wishbone...every puffy dandelion...just to increase the chances of it coming true. so, right now i'm choosing to believe in wishes...choosing to believe in magic...and maybe most of all, choosing to believe in miracles.
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