35, er 36...

I turned 36 today.  36.  Thirty-six.  I gotta say, I'm good with it.  Really good.  What is it that they say?  Age is just a number?  Well, I don't think that's entirely true.  Whether we wanna admit it or not, we are somewhat defined by our age...both good and bad.  I'm well into my mid-thirties.  I won't lie, that sounds weird, yet kinda awesome.  Of course I worry that some of the best parts of my life are behind me...that I've maybe missed opportunities or wasted time.  But, in the same token, I choose to believe I have so much more ahead of me.  I am entering this year of my life looking forward to some great things...M comes home in just over a week...I will be starting a new job that I truly know will allow me to use my real gifts...time off with my girl before school starts...and this feeling that good things are coming, as strange as that sounds.  I'm excited and peaceful all at the same time.  Like I'm on the verge of something yet I don't quite know what. 

There isn't much to say about the past year.  Looking back there are things I am beyond thankful for...people I am even more certain I can't imagine living without...moments that scared the hell outta me...and moments that taught me to fly.  I have a tiny red bow on the inside of my left wrist that will always remind me of this year.  I have memories that are mine alone and others made richer because of those I share them with.  All in all, I am happy to turn the page on 35 and start a new chapter with 36.  

I can see glimpses of the future and I'm crazy excited to experience every bit of it!  So, this 36 year old who did nothing less than play kickball in her high school cheerleading skirt the night before her birthday, can't wait to see what the next 364 days hold!  

7.1.2013...

she's been gone just over three weeks. i've had some fun and i've spent more time alone than i'm used to. i haven't written...i just haven't felt like it. i promised myself that i would take this time to just...be...to work through some things i'm struggling with and to do whatever it is i feel like doing. which, for over a week, wasn't much because i got a terrible summer cold (cue pity party) that left me fairly miserable and absolutely exhausted. so, i've laid around...read and watched tv and allowed myself to struggle with the demons that tend to overwhelm me when i'm like this. you know, all the things most people don't see and assume i don't deal with because i do a decent job of hiding them the rest of the time. some of which are there all the time and some that only surface when she's gone all summer. 

i have a friend who always tells me how strong i am, that she wishes she were more like me.  she has no idea the things that go through my mind, especially when it comes to my insecurities as a mom...especially when she's gone like this and i can't see her look at me or reach for me when i know i'm the only one who can make something better or reassure her when she's upset or scared.  they took her to see her favorite music group ever and are leaving in the morning for vacation...they are able to give her things i just haven't and ultimately i fear more than anything she will want to stay...there she has a whole family...here she only has me.  there.  i said it.  the one thing i don't ever verbalize because if i do then it's out there.  the thing i fear most, the weight i carry that never fully lessons.  just typing it makes my chest ache.      

and then, i read something that helped put things in perspective...something called "handbook for life", or 41 incredibly simple things - many of which i think i've lost sight of over time.  things that help me remember the simplicity of life, that it's so important to find joy in the little things and to remember the world is so much bigger than me and whatever silliness i'm making a big deal out of in my head at the moment. 

tonight i called my grandma and found a comfort in her voice that i've not felt in a long time...i walked through the stacks in a brand-new library, touching the spines, reading passages and taking in the stories around me....tonight i took a yoga class and focused on nothing but my breathing and poses...i walked charlie and called m - making her ask why i was calling because she had called me earlier this afternoon when she knew i wouldn't expect it - yet, i just needed to hear that little voice and remind her of how much i love her...and, finally...turned the tv on to find my favorite movie like God had cued it up just for me.  little things.  nothing of any importance.  but, each made me feel a little better in their own way. 

people ask if i miss her.  they ask how i'm doing.  yes, i miss her.  constantly.  like a piece of me, like my right arm, is gone.  but...i know she's coming home.  i'm thrilled she's having fun and that she is so comfortable there and that she doesn't need me next to her all the time.  but, yes...i miss her and wonder if she ever needs me when we're apart like this.  it's funny.  when i'm like this, i know how weak i become and every insecurity i have is magnified for some reason. 

so...things to think about...or, my own version of the handbook of life...

1.  make a difference.  for someone.  each day.
2.  give more than you take. 
3.  love.  just love.  honestly.  openly.  with everything you have. 
4.  stop being afraid of the what if's and stop looking back on the coulda been's - they don't matter and only make you unable to appreciate the right now's.
5.  look around you.  see the people around you and be open to their needs.  chances are good someone needs you more than you think...even if all they need is a hand to hold.
6.  hug someone.  tight.  with both arms.
7.  stop.  whatever it is in your life that doesn't add value or make you feel good, just stop. 
8.  surround yourself with people who make you a better person. 
9.  take time to pray.  talk to Him.  and then watch to see what unfolds.
10.  remember, you were created for a purpose...find it, and live it.
11.  look someone in the eyes and remind them of why they're special to you. 
12.  slow down.  it's not a race and no one really cares who gets there first anyway.

okay...that's a start.  and...while i miss her beyond measure...it's now my BIRTHDAY MONTH and i plan on making LOTS of memories over the next few weeks so if you're interested in helping me make one or two, let me know...life is too short to sit on the sidelines, i want to know that no matter what i got out there and lived, that i made a difference even if it was only to someone who heard my laugh across the room or saw my smile and for whatever reason that was enough...       

6.5.2013...

i've believed on a few very important occasions that i truly heard God...the first time His words scared me..."it's bigger than you, faith." and "trust me, i am with you."  i heard those words very clearly on a late january sunday while sitting in church with the ex-amazing boyfriend just a few weeks before he turned our life upside down and broke my heart.  i remember being acutely aware of the weight of those words...knowing that it couldn't mean anything good...and, ultimately, i was right.  at least at that point.

then, after meeting a very special person i remember praying often about our situation.  it was anything but typical, and on many occasions i felt like no matter what i gave it wouldn't matter...but, each time i prayed about it, i felt God telling me to be patient, that He would take care of me in the moments when i needed more than my friend could give me.  each time i trusted those words and gained strength from them.

and, last fall, when i interviewed for the job at the hospital...i felt God leading me, opening the doors with ease.  heard Him telling me that this was the next step and i trusted that guidance.

yet, now, i feel mislead in so many ways.  while i don't regret the time i've spent with my friend, or the pieces of my heart i no longer hold...things are probably at their worst at this point between us and i'm hurt and sad.  the job i wanted so badly has been a terrible disappointment...i can count on one hand the number of days i've truly been happy there and i feel like a complete failure.  i truly feel like the ways in which i trusted God over the past couple years have lead me to a point now where i feel lost, defeated, broken down...and i'm afraid of trusting that voice i put so much faith into in the moments i needed guidance the most. 

i am disappointed...in these situations, in myself, and maybe even in the belief that God was truly speaking to me in those moments and either i didn't understand what He was saying or i somehow made the words mean what i wanted/needed to hear in those moments.  i honestly have no idea, but at this point, i'm leaning more towards the latter....especially given my current situations.  i really have little trust in my judgement right now and am afraid of what else i could screw up in my life. 

back to the first words...looking back, i can see that He was right...that He was with me...in moments when i needed Him more than words could say.  and, it was bigger than me...in many ways.  if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have met my dear friend when he needed someone...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have this little life that m and i share...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have the renewed friendships i have with the girls who mean the world to me...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have stood up for myself when i needed to...if i hadn't gone through that, i wouldn't have been able to be as empathetic for yet another friend as her world fell apart not long after mine....if i hadn't gone through that...well, the list goes on and on...way beyond ANYTHING i could have ever seen in those moments when His voice was loud and clear even though the sanctuary was full. 

so...maybe, just maybe...there is a bigger meaning behind the other messages as well.  maybe i'm unable to see the rest right now because i'm blinded by my own emotions, my own issues, my own disappointments...my own pride.  i'm honestly not sure what to do about some of it.  but, i'm working on it.  the worst part is, i find myself unable to lean as much on God right now...unable to fully trust His plan...unable to give all of my problems fully to Him.  so, if you find it in you to say a little prayer for me...i'm looking for my...faith...for discernment and for grace.  i'm beating myself up pretty bad right now and that isn't likely to end anytime soon so the grace is for me. 

right now i just feel...icky (i know, super mature word but it's honestly all i've got at this point)...about many things in my life.  i'm a little freaked out about how that will affect the way i feel about m leaving on saturday.  my anxiety is at an all-time high right now and i know that to anyone around me i likely seem less than pleasant. i'm sorry for that...sorry for my crazy girl moments...i really hope i get this all figured out soon so i can get back to...me.  normal, happy me.  until then...one day at a time. 

6.4.2013...

i noticed it early one morning...when she lies next to me her feet now lie next to mine rather than somewhere up around my knees.  she doesn't hold my hand like she used to...only sometimes and when she does it's often because she feels insecure or afraid...never when i reach for it as we walk through parking lots and rarely just because.  she is increasingly aware of how her friends see her and wants desperately to fit in in all the typical girly ways.  i'm thankful for mismatched outfit choices and constant spinning through stores and down sidewalks...these simple things remind me she is still a little girl, at least in a few ways.  to me, she has changed in so many ways over the past nine months...which is mostly to blame for my anxiety over her leaving this weekend - i can't even tell you the number of times i've said from the front seat while looking at her in the rearview mirror to not grow up too much over the next eight weeks.  i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm crazy.  i find myself trying to absorb as much of her as possible...to give as much of myself to her as possible...enough to hold us both until she comes home again. 

see, i know she's growing up.  and, i'm okay with that...there are some really great things about her growing up, but with those come the realization that i'm slowly becoming less and less important...that, in time, i will be a nuisance to her - a last resort when it comes to someone she wants to spend time with.  and that simple fact literally breaks my heart.  there's something about having only one...you get one shot...for everything.  when that's over, when she grows up, there isn't another to fill her shoes...to fill my hand or my time.

she called me "mommy" tonight...that doesn't happen much these days.  she's outgrowing that too.  on occasion she even rolls her eyes when saying "mo-om" out of exasperation.  the little girl who, at the beginning of the year, needed me to wait and wave to her until the bus was out of sight barely waves most days now as she climbs on board.  she still kisses me quickly on the cheek as she climbs out of the car while we exchange our "i love you's" and "have a great day, i'll see you this afternoon's".  i am thrilled she is confident enough to not need me next to her constantly at this point, proud of the girl she is becoming.  but, i'm terrified of the next stages in more ways than i'm even prepared to admit. 

sometimes i wish i could stop the clock, rewind it even. back to the days when she fit on my chest as we slept and rarely was her little hand far from mine.  but, i know we can't...so i'm doing all i can to enjoy every bit of where we are right now.  focusing on the person she is now and trying to not screw up the woman she will become.  i remind myself often as i look in her big blue eyes that i am so blessed to be her mom...that having a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child is more than i could ask for...and i try really hard to simply be her mom despite all the ways i seem to undermine my own abilities.     

5.23.2013...

looking back, i'm not sure which one of us was more of a mess...which one of us needed the other more.  in the beginning, i thought it was you but now i'm not so sure.  on paper you were clearly in a worse spot while i was fairly certain i had my act together.  what i couldn't see at the time was how with each moment i spent with you, a part of me i didn't realize was broken...was healed.  with you i was never alone....something i swear i'm not afraid of, yet if i'm completely honest, is a part of why i've hung on.  no one has forced me to be as honest as you, no one has ever allowed me...encouraged me...to actually be honest with what i think, how i feel.  in exchange, you gave me honesty and truth...even when you knew it would hurt me.  and, you have...more times than you may remember...yet, from the moment you walked through my door i just...knew.  i knew you were meant to be in my life, and i in yours.  to me, we were the epitome of my greatest belief.  while i've accused you of not listening, you always heard me.  gently you've pointed out faults of mine no one ever has...things i'm sure have annoyed not only you, but are likely to blame for other relationships not working as well.  you've been there in your own way when i've needed you...rarely as i've expected, yet always exceeding any expectation i could have had.  friends is all you've ever been able to call us...all you were capable of giving.  but, for some reason, no matter how hard you worked to convince me of this, i always put us somewhere above that.  this, our greatest difference, is the only one that matters now.  the words "i'm not going to force my feelings anymore" were the final blow.  you could have slapped me and it would have hurt less.  you have a good heart, of this i have no doubt.  while i see potential in you that may no longer exist, i choose to believe somewhere inside of you is the man i've seen glimpses of in the rare moments you've let your guard down with me.  you've come so far in the time i've known you, but i know you aren't yet where you want to be.  i deserve to have everything from someone...just as you've told me so many times.  and you deserve to not have to worry about whether or not you'll hurt me as you continue to find your place.  we both fear not being enough...and now i fear being "too much".  what i have to remind myself is, for someone, i will be just right.  i just hoped that someone was going to be you.  i know we met when we were meant to...filled needs no one else could at the time.  in many ways you are my best friend, but i'm having a hard time letting you be just that.  but, i'm trying.  i'm trying to let it be.  trying to trust that the future holds things i can't yet see.  so...my friend...i won't ask you to force your feelings ever again.                 

5.21.2013...

tomorrow.  may 22.  seven years.  i will wear my ladybug shirt and be all-too-aware of the time.  i will likely find myself drifting back in time as i always do on that day.  i will think often about sarah and wish, yet again, that i could take this from her knowing full-well i can't.  and then, i will remember what we did tonight...charlotte's pre-school graduation.  somehow the little girl i connected with the moment i held her is five and on the downhill side to kindergarten and i love her to pieces.  she and her incredibly cute little brother do a very good job of filling the holes left by one very precious little soul. 

time is flying...too fast for my liking at the moment.  in just over two weeks m leaves for the summer and for some reason i'm terrified she will leave in june and come back in august all grown up.  i have a different kind of anxiety for this trip.  maybe it has something to do with the fact i've watched her change so much over the past nine months.  maybe it's seeing all the footage from things like the sandy hook shooting and the boston bombing and now the moore tornado...i was watching a mom as she finally found her son sitting on a curb yesterday after the tornado and i found myself crying along with her; certain that if it were me and m i would never let her out of my sight again.  now, don't get me wrong, i want her to go and enjoy her time with her dad and step-mom...and, while it's very hard for me to admit, i selfishly enjoy a little time to myself.  but, there will be a hole inside of me when she gets on that plane and sometime about three weeks later i will find myself wandering around feeling like someone has cut off my right arm.  but, tomorrow we get to do something we've never done.  tomorrow we are going on her third grade field trip and i'm honestly not sure which one of us is more excited!  she asked me to go, not just kind of suggesting that she might like for me to meet them down there; but, rather, a "mom, i really want you to go.  to ride the bus and lead a group and be a part of the whole day."  okay, m, okay.  so, i will ride a school bus for the first time since the last away football game in 1994 and be in charge of a few nine year olds who (in her words) usually think i'm her baby-sitter instead of her mom.  i. can't. wait!  and i pray we make a few memories neither one of us will forget...not just over the eight weeks we're apart, but maybe one or two that might last a lifetime.

5.20.2013...

the past couple weeks i've found myself thinking back to this time 18 years ago...

i was 17, one of the youngest in my graduating class.  hair long and curly, bangs i forced to curl under to be like everyone else, the shortest one in my class of 66, determined to take on the world yet hiding a fear of the unknown to anyone who asked what my plans were.  i was a 13-year senior...one of many in the LHS class of 1995.  we were a close group, most of us friends from before kindergarten and some second-generation friends from parents who had also grown up in those same halls we walked for four years.  i have no doubt we thought we were special - maybe that's typical for the age, but looking back i'm pretty certain we each thought we had it all figured out, or at least pretended that we did.  little did we know, the things that would ultimately make us special were the friendships we made in those years spent there - friendships that, to me, have become family.  invincible as only teenagers can be, we each laid a plan for the next few years of our lives - for most of us this meant college, and for many of us, the first time leaving our little town.  my own plan changed many times over the next few years leading me ultimately to las vegas - someplace i can guarantee no one i grew up with ever thought i would be!  we crossed another stage, taking another piece of paper and started off on the next chapter of our lives.  weddings, houses, babies and jobs became the focus for many of us.  life took us in various directions in our 20's...some moved around, some settled down...conversations surface-level much of the time because we had yet to find the common ground that would, in time, help us see just how blessed we were.  by our 30's each of us had experienced a little more...life.  and by 34, the original group of friends i started my life with had found our way back to each other. 
 
this weekend i was blessed to celebrate with four high school graduates...each of them holding a different, yet very special, place in my heart.  one i've known literally since the day she was born...her mom and i friends our entire lives.  watching the pictures flip past on her slideshow i saw images of me holding her and realized not only how much (and how quickly) time had passed, but that in different ways we grew up together in those first years.  with a heart for christ like none i've ever seen, she knows her path and will walk it with grace.  the second, a cousin...oddly, not by blood, yet i was there, too, the day she was born.  smart and funny, she knows a lot more about life - and loss - than anyone her age should.  she has a spirit that is contagious and i pray she holds fast to the plans she is making because i have no doubt there are great things ahead for her.  the third, the only boy in the group...a young man i've known less than two years yet love like it's been a lifetime.  this kid could do anything he puts his mind to...he is driven and smart, but in unconventional ways.  his heart is huge and his will is strong...i pray he never loses either.  in him i see so much and hope he never loses sight of who he is or everything he is capable of.  the fourth, a young lady i first met when she was nine when her family moved in across the street.  it's no secret i love her like my own...i've laughed with her and i've cried with her...worried about her and prayed for her; and last night, watched her cross that stage next to her mom feeling almost as proud of "our" girl.

i've learned many lessons over the past 18 years...most of which hinge on the basis of relationships.  the people in my life mean more to me than any job, house or car.  i'm the first to encourage all teenagers to go to college...not just for the education, but more so for the experience.  honestly, the only real advice i can give is to live your life...it truly is the journey, not the destination that matters...feel every bit of it - not just the good parts - the unbelievably painful ones too; they will shape you in ways you can't imagine...ask questions and seek answers...be true to yourself, respect yourself and demand the same from others...be open to new things - foods, places, people, experiences - all of it; you never know who or what you might gain...give more than you take...find something you're passionate about and learn everything you can about it...and, surround yourself with people who make you a better person.  and, when you get hurt or disappointed - which you will...more times than you think you can handle...give yourself a break and then choose to find happiness again.  life is too short to waste it on those who don't matter - in any given situation.  live a life you're proud of and find your purpose; whatever it may be.