"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
these words have been heavy on my heart the past few days...for reasons that matter none to most of you reading this; yet chances are decent that if you stop and really read them you will find some relevance. i have them on a sticky note attached to my computer, always visible, always a sign of reassurance when i need them. a very good friend has them tatooed on his arm, a simple reminder that there is something bigger than this very moment...that God Himself has laid out a plan for us greater than anything we can imagine in our darkest hours. i think i love this verse for a couple reasons...one, i love the idea that there is some sort of plan for me...that God cares enough about me to lay out a roadmap for my life - one that, if i somehow figure out how to follow it, could be amazing! and, two, i love the words "plans to give you hope and a future"...see, there have been times...yes, times - plural...when i've had absolutely no idea where to go next, what steps to take, what direction to turn; and ultimately saw no future because i felt so completely trapped in the moment i was presently experiencing. was i depressed? maybe a little. heartbroken? for sure. scared, confused, exhausted, guarded, uncertain of nothing other than the desperation i felt in those moments? yes...all of those things and more... but, it always got better, always. no matter if it was a mess i created myself or one that was thrown at me with zero warning; i somehow always came out of those moments stronger, wiser, and with a greater appreciation for the good days. i have to believe that it's those plans, that will of His for my life, that LOVE He somehow so graciously gives me (even when i can guarantee i don't deserve it) that shows me hope and gives me strength to see the future I am trying very hard to trust He is laying out for me. do i understand it? no. do i need neon flashing lights? uh, yeah. do i shake my head on an almost daily basis trying my hardest to figure out just where it is that He is leading me? more than i'd like to admit. there are some things in my life right now that i'm trying hard to figure out...funny, i've been told that i have the gift of discernment (the ability to grasp and comprehend that which is obscure)...yet, not when it comes to my own life. frustrating beyond belief. i just can't understand what He's trying to tell me right now and i feel like i'm some sort of detective puting together clues and there is one missing...of course, it's the most important one. but, maybe that's why i keep hearing these words "for i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"...maybe that's His way of telling me to be patient...to wait Him out...that in His perfect time He will show me those plans and only then will i be ready for them. *sigh* so much easier said than done. but, i'm trying. until then...i'm focusing on plans...hope...future...
Monday, August 20, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
8.11.2012...
what causes us to have a connection with someone? be it a physical or emotional one; i find that those connections happen almost instantly with some people and may never happen with others. it's been said that i can talk to anyone, that i am easy to open up to...strangers tell me their life stories, sometimes sharing details so intimate that when the conversation ends and we part ways i feel like i've known them my entire life. yet, there are times with people i should be able to connect with...people who i've grown close to over time, that those intimate moments and conversations never come. i tend to internalize those things, tend to assume it's something wrong with me because "everyone can talk to me"...but, the reality is, sometimes a deep connection just isn't possible...mostly because of where one or both of us is at that point in our lives. just one more example of the immense damage created by our pasts, and the weight of scars we try so very hard to keep hidden from even those we are close to. frustrating for sure, beyond simple explanation and without reason or justification to those who haven't lived true heartbreak...but, for those of us who have, understandable.
on the rare occasion that we make a connection with someone, it comes at us with such force we are almost always taken by surprise. it's a look, a touch, a word, a smile...often so small, so simple we don't even realize it in the moment; but we are changed by it none the less. i honestly don't know why we are able to make these connections with some and not with others...i mean, i get the physical part of it - either we are or we aren't attracted to someone, that's simple enough. but, the emotional part is harder to rationalize, more difficult to wrap my brain around. i know enough to see that i'm stimulated by different things, that even something so simple as a person's voice is a turn on or a turn off; but i still can't believe that there isn't more to it than genetics...which goes back to my hard and fast belief that everything happens when it's meant to, that we meet the people we're supposed to meet when we're supposed to meet them; and, perhaps most importantly, no matter what our connection to them, we only get them for a certain amount of time. i think we each serve some purpose in each other's lives; that we enter relationships based on when we need something specific that only that person can give us (and vice versa). the really difficult part of all of this is recognizing what we have to give (and what we ultimately need from) those in our lives and to then find a way to let go if we must. life is just that - a constant give and take marked most by compromise and a search for middle ground...and hopefully few disappointments when it's all said and done.
honestly, i wish i could connect with everyone...wish i could give constantly, that my heart was always full enough, my self-worth high enough; that i never needed anything from others. but, i'm fairly certain that's not possible. a friend of mine once said that a group of friends works like this: we are all in a circle and at any given time, one of us is in the center - surrounded by the others because in that moment she is the one who needs the most and throughout our lives we each take turns sitting in that center spot depending on who's needs are greatest at that moment. i kinda love that analogy...it gives me strength just picturing my friends as we surround each other in our moments of weakness. maybe the best lesson i've learned over time is that i can't force a connection...either it's there or it isn't and that's okay...hard to accept sometimes, but okay none the less.
on the rare occasion that we make a connection with someone, it comes at us with such force we are almost always taken by surprise. it's a look, a touch, a word, a smile...often so small, so simple we don't even realize it in the moment; but we are changed by it none the less. i honestly don't know why we are able to make these connections with some and not with others...i mean, i get the physical part of it - either we are or we aren't attracted to someone, that's simple enough. but, the emotional part is harder to rationalize, more difficult to wrap my brain around. i know enough to see that i'm stimulated by different things, that even something so simple as a person's voice is a turn on or a turn off; but i still can't believe that there isn't more to it than genetics...which goes back to my hard and fast belief that everything happens when it's meant to, that we meet the people we're supposed to meet when we're supposed to meet them; and, perhaps most importantly, no matter what our connection to them, we only get them for a certain amount of time. i think we each serve some purpose in each other's lives; that we enter relationships based on when we need something specific that only that person can give us (and vice versa). the really difficult part of all of this is recognizing what we have to give (and what we ultimately need from) those in our lives and to then find a way to let go if we must. life is just that - a constant give and take marked most by compromise and a search for middle ground...and hopefully few disappointments when it's all said and done.
honestly, i wish i could connect with everyone...wish i could give constantly, that my heart was always full enough, my self-worth high enough; that i never needed anything from others. but, i'm fairly certain that's not possible. a friend of mine once said that a group of friends works like this: we are all in a circle and at any given time, one of us is in the center - surrounded by the others because in that moment she is the one who needs the most and throughout our lives we each take turns sitting in that center spot depending on who's needs are greatest at that moment. i kinda love that analogy...it gives me strength just picturing my friends as we surround each other in our moments of weakness. maybe the best lesson i've learned over time is that i can't force a connection...either it's there or it isn't and that's okay...hard to accept sometimes, but okay none the less.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
big blue eyes...
*disclaimer: this most likely won't make any real sense other than the fact that i'm referring to m...and that right now i miss her terribly and since this post keeps coming back to me, evolving and changing depending on my mood, i'm gonna try and finish it - even if it doesn't really make sense to anyone but me.
big blue eyes...they stare back at me in the rear-view mirror...no matter where we're going i can look up and see her looking back at me, or see her gazing off towards something in the distance; or, on occasion...see them closed, her long eyelashes resting on her soft cheeks. big blue eyes full of intensity, wonder, and empathy...bright with passion, and full of curiosity...they are the window to her soul and in them i see everything.
i wrote the following paragraph on friday afternoon...almost three weeks ago. it seemed to fit at the time, yet the words weren't coming quite right, didn't quite flow past this point and i wasn't sure why...
she leaves tonight...goes to texas for the rest of the summer. this isn't new, we've done it before and i know what to expect but this year feels somehow different....i'm guessing it's because there isn't something else big going on in my life to off-set the reality that i won't see her, won't touch her for six weeks. people ask me all the time how i handle it, and my answer is always the same: i know it's coming, i plan for it, i take advantage of the time to do what i want when i want...and i miss her. like a piece of me is gone sort of missing her...and it starts about 24 hours after she leaves. however, i'm thinking this time it may hit me around 5:20pm when we say good-bye and they escort her through the door, and down the jetway to the plane...i will watch her as far as i can...wheeling her little skate bag, chatting with the attendant...switching gears to adjust from one home to the other in a matter of a two-hour plane ride. and then i will go back to my chair, pretend to read while ignoring the tightness in my chest, and wait for the "departed" sign to show up on the board to begin my own adjustment period.
then, i spent an evening at the Relay for Life walk...made lap after lap around a track, surrounded by names on little white paper bags...names of those fighting cancer...and those who lost the battle but who are remembered by those they left behind. to say my perspective changed immediately is an understatement...suddenly my tears seemed to have been shed in vain, my sadness for a child i know i will see again humbled by the realization that there are so many who can not say that. my own emotions were quickly put into check as i said silent prayers for the numerous names i read, many of which i was shocked to see that i knew.
sometimes it's good to get a reality check...to be gently reminded that the world doesn't revolve around us...that life is so much bigger than where we are right this second.
skip ahead to now (last friday night, actually)...it hit me today how much i miss her. i know, i know, she will be home and ultimately i'm fine. but, tonight, tonight i felt like a shell...empty and hollow. i remember this feeling as it visits me from time to time each summer; consuming me for a period of time, making me feel completely disconnected from her. it's an awful feeling, and i never quite know what to do with it. there is no ignoring it or pretending that it's not there...it takes up so much space that it's almost suffocating. i find myself pulling away, feeling the need to be alone and i'm not entirely sure why. but, it will pass. i pray that through this moment i am gaining empathy for others whose lives are consumed constantly by this type of emotion; that i may better understand where they are in those moments because i've had a very tiny taste of it myself.
big blue eyes...they stare back at me in the rear-view mirror...no matter where we're going i can look up and see her looking back at me, or see her gazing off towards something in the distance; or, on occasion...see them closed, her long eyelashes resting on her soft cheeks. big blue eyes full of intensity, wonder, and empathy...bright with passion, and full of curiosity...they are the window to her soul and in them i see everything.
i wrote the following paragraph on friday afternoon...almost three weeks ago. it seemed to fit at the time, yet the words weren't coming quite right, didn't quite flow past this point and i wasn't sure why...
she leaves tonight...goes to texas for the rest of the summer. this isn't new, we've done it before and i know what to expect but this year feels somehow different....i'm guessing it's because there isn't something else big going on in my life to off-set the reality that i won't see her, won't touch her for six weeks. people ask me all the time how i handle it, and my answer is always the same: i know it's coming, i plan for it, i take advantage of the time to do what i want when i want...and i miss her. like a piece of me is gone sort of missing her...and it starts about 24 hours after she leaves. however, i'm thinking this time it may hit me around 5:20pm when we say good-bye and they escort her through the door, and down the jetway to the plane...i will watch her as far as i can...wheeling her little skate bag, chatting with the attendant...switching gears to adjust from one home to the other in a matter of a two-hour plane ride. and then i will go back to my chair, pretend to read while ignoring the tightness in my chest, and wait for the "departed" sign to show up on the board to begin my own adjustment period.
then, i spent an evening at the Relay for Life walk...made lap after lap around a track, surrounded by names on little white paper bags...names of those fighting cancer...and those who lost the battle but who are remembered by those they left behind. to say my perspective changed immediately is an understatement...suddenly my tears seemed to have been shed in vain, my sadness for a child i know i will see again humbled by the realization that there are so many who can not say that. my own emotions were quickly put into check as i said silent prayers for the numerous names i read, many of which i was shocked to see that i knew.
sometimes it's good to get a reality check...to be gently reminded that the world doesn't revolve around us...that life is so much bigger than where we are right this second.
skip ahead to now (last friday night, actually)...it hit me today how much i miss her. i know, i know, she will be home and ultimately i'm fine. but, tonight, tonight i felt like a shell...empty and hollow. i remember this feeling as it visits me from time to time each summer; consuming me for a period of time, making me feel completely disconnected from her. it's an awful feeling, and i never quite know what to do with it. there is no ignoring it or pretending that it's not there...it takes up so much space that it's almost suffocating. i find myself pulling away, feeling the need to be alone and i'm not entirely sure why. but, it will pass. i pray that through this moment i am gaining empathy for others whose lives are consumed constantly by this type of emotion; that i may better understand where they are in those moments because i've had a very tiny taste of it myself.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
father's day...
there are some amazing men in my life...fathers, dads, grandpas...exceptional examples of what it takes to raise little people and to then continue loving and encouraging us not so little people. some of these men have been in my life forever, and some i've met over the years, but each have taught me something...each influenced me in valuable ways.
i went to lathrop sunday...spent the day with the man who loved me first, the man who showed me what true unconditional, Christ-centered love means. i walked into our church, sat with my sister, and spent most of the service thinking of him...of all the ways i've seen him in that building over the course of my life...of all the words he's shared...and all of the silent ways he has spoken to me. he's not perfect by any means, made his share of mistakes and quietly owns up to them when asked. in the same respect, he has given the three of us room to mess up...space to create our lives, ready on the sidelines to help us back up if we stumble. he is quick with a smile and slow to criticize, smart and witty, yet humble and kind. his love has carried me when i was certain i mattered to no one...gently encouraging me to stand back up and live my life.
we spent the afternoon together at the lake...and it was perfect. his happiness is one of simple indulgences...working in the shop, taking communion on sunday, hearing his grandchildren laugh...and watching his daughters...stopping whatever he's doing to listen to us, even if we're rambling or stumbling over each other as we often do. his blue eyes were full of contentment sunday...sitting in that lawn chair...beer in hand...surrounded by the people he loves most in this world...telling stories and laughing like i haven't heard him laugh in a long time. it was his happiness that mattered most in those moments, his smile i loved seeing the most...it was such a good day...one we couldn't recreate if we tried, but one i'll remember always i'm certain.
i went to lathrop sunday...spent the day with the man who loved me first, the man who showed me what true unconditional, Christ-centered love means. i walked into our church, sat with my sister, and spent most of the service thinking of him...of all the ways i've seen him in that building over the course of my life...of all the words he's shared...and all of the silent ways he has spoken to me. he's not perfect by any means, made his share of mistakes and quietly owns up to them when asked. in the same respect, he has given the three of us room to mess up...space to create our lives, ready on the sidelines to help us back up if we stumble. he is quick with a smile and slow to criticize, smart and witty, yet humble and kind. his love has carried me when i was certain i mattered to no one...gently encouraging me to stand back up and live my life.
we spent the afternoon together at the lake...and it was perfect. his happiness is one of simple indulgences...working in the shop, taking communion on sunday, hearing his grandchildren laugh...and watching his daughters...stopping whatever he's doing to listen to us, even if we're rambling or stumbling over each other as we often do. his blue eyes were full of contentment sunday...sitting in that lawn chair...beer in hand...surrounded by the people he loves most in this world...telling stories and laughing like i haven't heard him laugh in a long time. it was his happiness that mattered most in those moments, his smile i loved seeing the most...it was such a good day...one we couldn't recreate if we tried, but one i'll remember always i'm certain.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
6.12.2012...
what defines you? how do you see yourself, especially when no one else is looking? do you see confidence, or hidden defeat masked by sarcasm and wit? do you see strength and courage or fear and weakness that you try and keep under wraps by showing just how "fearless" you are? are you empathetic and generous...or self-centered and greedy; controlled by the need to fit in with others who truthfully don't deserve your time or attention? do you find yourself afraid of what others think or certain that you are right where you're supposed to be in this moment...finding peace and contentment in the life you're living?
it occurred to me the other day that i no longer feel like i'm defined by my divorce...that i see myself as a single mom for sure, but not so much "divorced". now, don't get me wrong, of course i'm divorced - i can't erase that from my past and there are scars and demons from that portion of my life that will always be with me...some visible and some contained deep within my soul where only i can feel them. but, i remember reading that there comes a point where you no longer feel so burdened by that label; when you realize that you are just...you...a new version of you no doubt, but simply you none the less. not faith, the divorced mom...but, rather, just faith...me, the version of me i've spent the last several years creating...carrying with me parts that existed before and discovering new things about myself that i'm not sure i ever knew were there. i hated being seen as that...as the divorced mom...especially when we went to school events where families are out in full-force and i always seemed to stand out...strangely, in an environment i had always loved, yet had grown to feel extremely uncomfortable in because of my own insecurities. i almost dreaded those events and never quite felt like i fit. i was certain that the two of us had some sort of a "scarlet" letter across our chests...something that visibly defined us as different...or, worse, not quite equal in the eyes of our peers.
i realize that really isn't the case...that there are way more single-parent families around than my eyes seem to see during those moments...that people don't necessarily look down on us because we are on our own...but, it's something i've struggled with and still do to some extent.
but, with this new realization comes something i'm fairly certain i've never really done before...taken time to stop and figure out what i want for my life, for our life...without taking someone else into consideration...without basing my decisions on the "hope" that someone else will fill the holes. instead, i'm filling them myself...allowing myself to look forward just as i am, to really think about what i want my life to look like. so, i'm thinking about things like...where do i want to be? do i really want to try and write - not just on here, but legitimately try and make something of it? where do i want to go to church? who do i want to truly influence m? how do i prepare for the future? and all sorts of other random things. i finally don't feel "stuck" and am really okay with stepping forward on my own...i like it actually, and have realized that i'm good on my own, that i like defining my life...that i'm way stronger than i ever thought and that i have things to offer...that i don't need someone else to make me complete.
as for what defines me...well, read the "me" page and you'll get the idea. but, for the most part, i'm a mom who loves her daughter more than anything...a woman who wants so much from this one life, yet is sometimes afraid to truly chase after her dreams for fear of failing...and, i'm completely human...i screw up more than i want to admit, but am thankfully saved by the power of grace - given in great doses by not only God, but those He surrounds me with...
it occurred to me the other day that i no longer feel like i'm defined by my divorce...that i see myself as a single mom for sure, but not so much "divorced". now, don't get me wrong, of course i'm divorced - i can't erase that from my past and there are scars and demons from that portion of my life that will always be with me...some visible and some contained deep within my soul where only i can feel them. but, i remember reading that there comes a point where you no longer feel so burdened by that label; when you realize that you are just...you...a new version of you no doubt, but simply you none the less. not faith, the divorced mom...but, rather, just faith...me, the version of me i've spent the last several years creating...carrying with me parts that existed before and discovering new things about myself that i'm not sure i ever knew were there. i hated being seen as that...as the divorced mom...especially when we went to school events where families are out in full-force and i always seemed to stand out...strangely, in an environment i had always loved, yet had grown to feel extremely uncomfortable in because of my own insecurities. i almost dreaded those events and never quite felt like i fit. i was certain that the two of us had some sort of a "scarlet" letter across our chests...something that visibly defined us as different...or, worse, not quite equal in the eyes of our peers.
i realize that really isn't the case...that there are way more single-parent families around than my eyes seem to see during those moments...that people don't necessarily look down on us because we are on our own...but, it's something i've struggled with and still do to some extent.
but, with this new realization comes something i'm fairly certain i've never really done before...taken time to stop and figure out what i want for my life, for our life...without taking someone else into consideration...without basing my decisions on the "hope" that someone else will fill the holes. instead, i'm filling them myself...allowing myself to look forward just as i am, to really think about what i want my life to look like. so, i'm thinking about things like...where do i want to be? do i really want to try and write - not just on here, but legitimately try and make something of it? where do i want to go to church? who do i want to truly influence m? how do i prepare for the future? and all sorts of other random things. i finally don't feel "stuck" and am really okay with stepping forward on my own...i like it actually, and have realized that i'm good on my own, that i like defining my life...that i'm way stronger than i ever thought and that i have things to offer...that i don't need someone else to make me complete.
as for what defines me...well, read the "me" page and you'll get the idea. but, for the most part, i'm a mom who loves her daughter more than anything...a woman who wants so much from this one life, yet is sometimes afraid to truly chase after her dreams for fear of failing...and, i'm completely human...i screw up more than i want to admit, but am thankfully saved by the power of grace - given in great doses by not only God, but those He surrounds me with...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
the one with with the absolutely amazing video...
our very good friend, lacey, is a fantastic photographer...she has the ability to find "magic light" and "model wind" and she took us out on a beautiful night and shot this. nothing has made me happier in a long time, and i've cried each time i've watched it. she is seriously amazing and i couldn't love it more.
visit Lacey Crough Photography to see how talented she is and to book your own session!!!
visit Lacey Crough Photography to see how talented she is and to book your own session!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
may 22, 2006...
my mind is stuck a little today...wrapped around memories i'm often able to pause only momentarily on without giving them the chance to fully take over...but, today is always different. today it's impossible to push them aside, to almost pretend they aren't actually real....today, like every year since, i let myself remember...give myself over to the reality of that day, the weight of those moments, and the significance of one very special life.
the day flashes through my mind like an old-school home movie...raw and sketchy with blurred edges, sometimes skipping and jarring from one image, one moment, to the next. i'm overly aware of times...6:45am...9:15am...3pm...8:45pm...each laced with emotion, softened some by time, yet still a little too familiar on days like this. i'm haunted mostly by expressions, predominately sarah's, but even by those on the faces of strangers in the waiting room; each carrying the weight of grief, fear of the unknown, unwilling acceptance of things no one should ever have to see. we each were lost in our own thoughts, drowning in our own personal pain; unable to see more than a minute at a time because it was too hard to look past the certainty of time.
it's amazing to think that one incredible baby touched so many people...that a life spanning only ten and a half weeks could have so much impact. some of us live for years and never serve our purpose, never reach our potential...yet, somehow, he did it in two months. each life is a gift, be it two months or 100 years...it's what we do with it, what we accomplish, who we serve, how we live, and maybe most importantly how we love that determines its worth.
find purpose in your life, experience the full potential of each day, feel each emotion and learn when to discard them when their time has passed, see the good in others yet don't let them walk all over you, be open to the world around you and know people are put in your path for a reason, understand the importance of time and spend it wisely with people who are worth it, give freely of yourself trying hard not to expect anything in return, smile more, laugh longer, hold tighter, walk slower, wait for direction, be mindful of others while putting selfishness aside, and love...love more, love harder, love openly without fear.
the day flashes through my mind like an old-school home movie...raw and sketchy with blurred edges, sometimes skipping and jarring from one image, one moment, to the next. i'm overly aware of times...6:45am...9:15am...3pm...8:45pm...each laced with emotion, softened some by time, yet still a little too familiar on days like this. i'm haunted mostly by expressions, predominately sarah's, but even by those on the faces of strangers in the waiting room; each carrying the weight of grief, fear of the unknown, unwilling acceptance of things no one should ever have to see. we each were lost in our own thoughts, drowning in our own personal pain; unable to see more than a minute at a time because it was too hard to look past the certainty of time.
it's amazing to think that one incredible baby touched so many people...that a life spanning only ten and a half weeks could have so much impact. some of us live for years and never serve our purpose, never reach our potential...yet, somehow, he did it in two months. each life is a gift, be it two months or 100 years...it's what we do with it, what we accomplish, who we serve, how we live, and maybe most importantly how we love that determines its worth.
find purpose in your life, experience the full potential of each day, feel each emotion and learn when to discard them when their time has passed, see the good in others yet don't let them walk all over you, be open to the world around you and know people are put in your path for a reason, understand the importance of time and spend it wisely with people who are worth it, give freely of yourself trying hard not to expect anything in return, smile more, laugh longer, hold tighter, walk slower, wait for direction, be mindful of others while putting selfishness aside, and love...love more, love harder, love openly without fear.
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