4.25.2012...

there is something about the moment you realize you can trust someone...honestly and completely trust them.  when you give over a part of you that you are certain no one wants and they look you in the eyes with more understanding and acceptance than you could ever imagine.  or, when you realize they know you better than any words could express, that they hear what you're saying - even when you say nothing at all...that sometimes the things that go unsaid speak volumes when it comes to what really matters.   

4.24.2012...

there are days when it's just too hard...when holding your head up is even a challenge...when the weight of reality hits you and there aren't even words to express how you feel.  overtaken by fear, wishing so much for courage, praying for insight...certain that no choice is the right one, that no matter what there can be no good outcome...so, i do nothing...wait for some sense of peace, some will to fight, some amount of strength to over-ride the anxiety and sadness i feel in this moment. 

nothing is ever what it seems, never as simple as we want it to be.  we try desperately to keep the pieces together, certain that if we just hold still it won't all fall apart.  but, that's not possible.  the reality is, we juggle them; rarely seeing the whole puzzle, the complete picture.

truth is, it doesn't matter how much we love, how much we care...how careful we are or how often we look our demons in the eye.  we can't control others; perhaps the hardest lesson we must learn in this life.  but, what we also must know is that our choices have lasting impacts on everyone around us...the ripple affect...reaching much farther than we ever realize.  most of the time we don't hurt others on purpose.  we try to do the right thing, while hoping to do the least amount of damage.  but, other times we are faced with a decision that we know will hurt others; possibly creating more problems than the one we are hoping to solve.  so, tonight i'm praying for direction, discernment, and strength...for my heart, for my girl...and for acceptance, grace, and understanding from others who likely don't even know i need it. 

4.18.2012...

"to be fully seen by somebody, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous" - elizabeth gilbert

strip me down. expose my soul. see the bareness of me; vulnerable and incomplete yet full of promise and hope for what i know is possible...

love with eyes wide-open.  to be seen truly as we are; beautifully damaged, full of faults, without reservation or filter....

no walls, no guards...simply honest...completely open and aware of each other in every moment...

see past the stories, past the insecurities, past the...past.  i am not defined by those moments, they aren't who i am...but are only pieces of my story.  see me for who i am, what i believe, where i stand...in this very moment...for that is where we all are...

step away from what we thought we knew...see something greater, something bigger than anything we ever thought possible.  open my eyes to everything i can't see...show me the world as You see it, through Your eyes.  help me to see the things i don't and help me to know where i'm supposed to be.  love me selflessly in all my incompleteness...and teach me to do the same...

vulnerable intensity...the ability to see what is real, to know that for once in your life you are the one who is special...to believe in the person standing in front of you...to trust them with every secret, everything you are, and everything you aren't...and to know that there is a good chance they could break you...but, to love them anyway...

life is like this...most of the time we are so selfish, so careless, we can't see beyond ourselves.  we miss so much...close our eyes to that which is too painful, too hard to see...often because we can't imagine that we could ever make a difference.  i don't want to be blind...i don't want to ignore it.  i want to see it all, to tell their stories; however painful they might be...simply because we all deserve to be accepted as we are, loved in spite of our lot in life and chosen for the potential we all hold.

4.8.2012...

life is full of magical little moments...moments we often take for granted, or miss entirely.  the past week and a half i've seen them, felt them...moments spent with people i've grown to care very much about...simple things that have meant so much to me. 

i live a blessed life.  of this i'm certain.  sure i complain sometimes, want more, dream about the life i "want"...but, when it's all said and done, when i truly look around...i have so very much.  today is Easter...i will spend it in the church i grew up in, the church i was baptized in, surrounded by my family.  this day means something different to all of us, but ultimately - to me - it is a reminder, a re-awakening of sorts that life is so much bigger than me; that Christ lived and died, suffered immeasurable torture, hung selflessly on a cross that bears every single one of my sins...MY sins...my doubts...my failures...my shortcomings...and my insecurities.  it may as well been my hands placing the crown of thorns on His head, nailing His hands and feet, piercing His side...He died mercilessly so i could live...absolute selflessness in its most pure form.  so, today, i am looking for each blessing; each moment of goodness and grace...searching my heart for His will. 

i'm kinda hoping this is what He might tell me...

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

4th place....

"you can't cry, mommy.  ok?"  "not when i skate, not if i win, not at all"

rules she issued as we drove to her very first figure skating competition yesterday.  rules she felt she needed to impose because when she skated on tuesday, i did cry...not crazy, over the top crying or anything...just, proud mommy tears...the kind that well up inside your chest, making you feel you might burst trying to contain them, and you wipe your eyes continuously trying to keep them inside because it's silly to cry about stuff like watching your daughter on the ice, right?  right, well, thankfully i did keep it together yesterday...she skated her very best and i couldn't have been more proud of her!  we were blessed with a small army of fans there to cheer her on...family and friends...people we love who took time out of their day to make her feel special.  it's funny...one very short minute was all they were there for, yet it meant the world to us.  it's amazing how good that can make you feel.  after the awards were given, and pictures all taken, we wrapped things up with becca's amazing cupcakes. 

so...no tears my sweet girl...but, i held my breath...watching each spin, each jump...feeling your joy...meeting your eyes as you passed by...waiting for that final spin, and the huge smile that told us all you were done.  you were everything i imagined you would be and i couldn't be more proud. 

to everyone who came - thank you for sharing this with us...we love you all and are so thankful you cared enough to be a part of her special day.

happy birthday to my forever friend...

i don't remember the day you were born, yet almost every single childhood memory i share with you.  20 months apart, yet inseparable from the beginning, you were a force to be reckoned with from day one.  with a heart larger than most, you felt everything more intensely than the rest of us...passionate and fierce about the things that mattered to you, risking everything to support whatever cause you felt deserved your attention. 

you are my first memory, my first "love"...rarely can i stop the tears when i think back to that moment...i had spent weeks with grandma not knowing exactly why, only that i couldn't see mom and i had no idea where any of you were.  i remember the long drive down from the farm to the city...eventually walking the halls of children's mercy, excited to see mom unaware of what i would really see.  there you both were...mom holding you...you in only a diaper with so many little circles attached to you; the monitors that had watched every one of your stats as they fought to keep you alive all those weeks. 

a few more weeks brought yet another car ride...the one that would bring me home, to you.  you were still sick, weak, tired...they put you in bed and told me to leave you alone..."let her rest" mom and grandma told me...but, i couldn't.  i wanted nothing more than to be close to you...to simply touch you.  your tiny fingers were extended through the slats in the crib, at just the right height for me to hold them...so that's what i did.  for how long i don't remember.  thinking back, it feels like forever, but i'm sure it was just a few minutes...but, that's how moments of impact, moments of absolute importance, moments that change you forever...that's how they feel.  i remember knowing in that moment, as i stood there next to you; wishing you were well, vowing then and there to protect you always...that you were mine, that i would love you forever and never want you to hurt again.

i wish i could say that i have been able to keep that promise, but some things are bigger than even a sister's love.  you are an amazing woman...still fierce and passionate; full of emotion, willing to accept differences yet always ready to fight for what you believe in.  you were my first best friend, paving the way for a lifetime of memories.  my mind flips through them like a photo album, stopping to gaze upon the ones that stand out the most.  some make me laugh, some make me cry, some make me crazy, and some make me wish we could just go back. 

so, happy 33rd birthday to my first little sister, my first friend...may today mark the beginning of an amazing year.  may your eyes be open to everything it offers and your heart ready to accept every blessing it is certain to hold.  i love you, weisy! 

3.22.2012...

there are moments when we watch the hearts of those we love break, and ours break right along with them.  arms are never long enough, hands can't possibly hold tight enough, words always come too slow, and we find ourselves feeling helpless in the moments we are needed the most.

there is so much more i want to say about this...i type, delete, and re-type...nothing seems to be coming out right.  what i want to say is that it's our pasts that lead us through these moments...we find the words, or offer gentle silence based upon what worked for us when we were hurting.  sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn't.  but, we bear the burden for eachother regardless...offering whatever we can in the hopes something we say or do gives them even the smallest amount of peace.  and, it is in these moments where we just might find answers to some of the why's in our own life.  kind of a sick irony, but if you really think about it; it's true.